


to not speak as loud (as my heart)

by seemeeimbeebee



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, So much angst, angst-a-palooza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-10
Updated: 2015-10-10
Packaged: 2018-04-25 17:29:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4969954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seemeeimbeebee/pseuds/seemeeimbeebee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'They’d be so much better off if I just drove across the town line.'</p>
<p>It hadn’t escaped her notice, the bonds that they’d forged in her time as the Dark One. </p>
<p>Her parents had each other, and the son that they could do right by. Her son had Regina and Robin, and even a little girlfriend. Killian had made strong friendships in her absence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	to not speak as loud (as my heart)

**Author's Note:**

> This is vaguely inspired by the preview for 5.03 but it deals more with the after effects of Emma's darkness. I'd listen to this cover of "The Scientist" by Jenny and Tyler (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rytRpZ-d1ds) while reading in order to get the full effect while reading.
> 
> If you'd like to follow me on tumblr, I'm demisexualemmaswan!
> 
> Enjoy!

Emma sat in her car, looking out at the town line in front of her. Her cup of cocoa lay cold and abandoned in her cup holder. Her hand rested on the gear shift. 

The phone rang, vibrating angrily against the other cup holder. She didn’t bother checking who it was. Emma knew they were looking for her. She knew that all of them--her parents, Henry, Killian--were out of their minds with worry, but she couldn’t bring herself to let them know that she was all right. 

_They’d be so much better off if I just drove across the town line._

It hadn’t escaped her notice, the bonds that they’d forged in her time as the Dark One. 

Her parents had each other, and the son that they could do right by. Her son had Regina and Robin, and even a little girlfriend. Killian had made strong friendships in her absence.

_They’d be fine without me. They were before. They would be again._  

Bile rose in her throat as she thought of what she’d done to all of them at the Dark One. Her hand tightened around the gear shift. Emma admittedly hadn’t seen much of the people who loved her since they took the darkness out of her. She couldn’t bring herself to face them. 

So she’d isolated herself, keeping them on the outside of her world. She couldn’t hurt them if she shut them all out. They checked in on her every few days--at the house she’d taken in darkness and fiercely hated living in--just to make sure she was all right. 

They must’ve just figured out today that she’d been sleeping in her Bug for the last three nights. “They must be so worried,” she whispered, flinching a little bit as she anticipated Rumpelstiltskin’s high pitched giggle in response. It never came and Emma’s chest stuttered, a new wave of self-loathing coursing over her. 

_I don’t deserve their love. Not anymore._

Tears swam in her vision, hating herself and the dark force that had been inside her that had manipulated her love for all of them. She had been worse than any of her dark predecessors. 

_“Do you love me?”_

Remembering everything she’d done caused the tears to pour over. They chased themselves down her cheeks and she started the engine. 

Her phone rang again. This time, she did look down at the caller ID. It was Killian. Her Killian, who had been so strong and steadfast. 

_I’m so proud of him for fighting me._

“Killian. Killian, I’m so sorry,” she choked out. She’d manipulated him the worst out of anyone. How he still was willing to try to love her again was beyond her. 

But she couldn’t do that to him. She couldn’t risk manipulating him or hurting him even more than she already had. She’d taken something she counted on, craved and relied on--his love--and used it to her advantage. 

_Not again. Not anymore. He’ll find someone. How could he not? He’s so good..._

A loud rattle against the window startled her out of her thoughts. “Emma, what are you doing?” Killian asked her, his eyes wild with panic.

She turned the car off.

He opened the car door.

She unbuckled her seat belt. 

He pulled her into his arms.

She guilty let herself press into the familiar comfort of his embrace, before pulling back from him. This is exactly what she was trying to prevent. 

“Emma, what are you doing?” Killian repeated anxiously. “We’ve been looking for you for two days now. Your boy went by your house and when you weren’t there--” His hand cupped her face, frantically stroking her cheek as he tried to wipe away the tears that were still running down her cheeks. “I’m so glad you’re all right. I thought...”

“I’m giving everyone their best chance,” Emma choked out, looking up at him. “I can’t hurt anyone anymore if I’m not here.” Killian flinched and Emma squeezed her eyes shut.

_I hurt him again. I have to leave._

“Then who will care for you, love?” Killian asked in a heartbroken voice.

“No one,” she whispered. “I don’t deserve it.” Emma pulled back, as if to get away but Killian crushed her to his chest. 

“We don’t blame you.”

“You should. I blame me. I don’t deserve to be loved anymore. You saw what I could do with love.” 

“That wasn’t you.”

“It doesn’t matter. I can’t look at any of you without thinking of who I did and what I was.” Her eyes traveled over his face, as if trying to memorize it. “I don’t know how anyone looks at me and doesn’t see the Dark One. Especially you, Killian.” She lowered her head. “I can’t even look at myself without seeing the Dark One.”  

Killian tightened his grip around her. He buried his face in her hair. “Let us show you,” he whispered. “Let us love you, and care for you. You fought so hard for us, Emma. Now let us fight for you, okay?”

Emma’s lip trembled and she nodded, burying her face in Killian’s shoulder. “Okay.”

“Please don’t scare me like that again?” Killian asked, his voice shaking. “I don’t want to lose you again.”

“I’ll try,” she replied.

It was the best she could do for now. 


End file.
